How to Quit Your Job

How to Quit Your Job with Class, Elegance and Style

by Jessica Benassi

Professional Job Quitter

 

 1. Train your replacement

Me: Soooooo, welcome to the office...

New Girl: Yeah! I'm really excited to be here and I think-

Me: Man, it must suck so bad to be you right now.

New Girl: Huh?

Me: What?

New Girl: You just said -

Me: No, I didn't. Anyway, I keep the supersized bottle of aspirin over here, there's a switchblade in this drawer and oh! Don't worry, the non emergency police number is already programmed into the phone...you only want to call 911 if there's a gang fight or something, and it's been a while since we had one of those...
New Girl: Aren't we wedding planners?
Me: Right. You're probably also going to want to find someone who can get you valium...

 

(FACT: If you're unfortunate enough to find yourself in the middle of a gang fight, it

actually doesn't look like this. Not even the tiniest bit.)

 

 

 

2. Finish your final shift, and arrange to have a celebratory drink afterwards with some of the staff.

 

 

Me: See ya later, losers, I'm SO outta here! Oh, hey...come get a drink with me at Blue when you guys are done?

Co-worker: Sure, that sounds like-

Me: Whatever. SO outta here...

Co-worker: Ok, well-

Me: In your FACE.

Co-worker: Ok, Jessic-

Me: FACE!

Co-worker: Right, so we'll see you later, then.

Me: Maybe you'll see my FACE later.
Co-worker: -
Me: FACE.

Co-worker: *sigh*

Me: I'm out.

 

 

 3. Start having celebratory drinks before anyone else shows up. When they do show up, they will bring you a "Best Boss Ever" trophy that they welded into a unicorn because they know you love unicorns. Be so drunk you don't realize that it's a unicorn. Cry anyway, because it's the thought that counts and also, you're drunk.

 

 

 

 

4. Parade your "Best Boss Ever" trophy all over your bar.  Run into your lawyer and his wife. They compliment you on your trophy and it's unicorn-ness.  Realize that your trophy is a unicorn. Freak out.

 

Me: HOLY SH*TBALLS, YOU GUYS! THIS IS A MOTHER FREAKING UNICORN TROPHY!!!

Co-workers: Right.

Me: James! Did you see this thing? It's a Gawd D*** unicorn!

James: Right.

Me: A unicorn.  Holy sh*t.

 

 

 5. Have more celebratory drinks and re-tell the story of discovering your unicorn trophy to anyone who will listen.  Embellish. Get progressively more and more vulgar. Punch people in the arm for emphasis.

 

Me: And then I wush all: "Holy bacon wrapped mother of god, thish peesh of ballsh to the wall ish an a**holin' UNICORN!" You know what I mean?

Co-worker: Ouch.

Me: Ouch your faesh.

Co-worker: Quit punching me.

Me: I'M THE KING OF THE WORLD!

 

 

 6. Go home and pass out. With class, elegance, and style.

 

 

 

And dignity.

 

 

 

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More Excellent Life Coaching Advice by A Professional Expert on Life Coaching About Life

How to do Exactly the Opposite of What Everyone Expects and Have a Better Life,

by Jessica Benassi

Professional Life Coach and Expert on Figuring Stuff out about Life

Step 1:
Get a job that you're really good at.  Throw yourself into it.  Excel. Love it.  Love it so much you want to marry it.  

Step 2:
Start bringing your work home.  Spread it all over your bed, and wake up with paperclips up your nose.

Step 3:
Start dreaming about work while you sleep.  Wake up in the middle of the night screaming about wedding cakes.

Step 4:  
Without noticing, completely lose your sense of humor.

Step 5:
Only have time to eat Doritos and orange pop.  Start to turn orange.

Step 6:
Come home one night and introduce yourself to the weird guy in your living room and his 4 dogs.

Step 7:
Develop a rather obvious twitch in your eye.

Step 8:
Consider a career change.  Watch an episode of "Animal Hoarders" and think "I could do that."

Step 9:
Decide to quit your awesome job in exchange for a career in waiting tables, blogging, painting pictures, selling stuff you make, working at the bar you own and hanging out with that weird guy and his 4 dogs.

Step 10:
Put on your unicorn shirt, because life just got awesome.

The moral to this story is that you should keep your feet on the ground and your head in your dreams, unless Freddy Krueger shows up, in which case you should run away really fast and maybe think about becoming an accountant or something safe like that.

Also, don't be afraid to quit your grown up job in favor of having a life.  Having a life is nice, even if you don't have as much money. Or any money.

Also, can I have a dollar?

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