This would be the worst blog entry in the world except I just erased that one so I'm giving you the second worst instead. Because I care.

I just spent about 45 minutes writing the most suck ass blog entry ever. I pretty much knew that it sucked going into it, but for some reason I kept going and lying to myself about it...I was all mentally high fiving myself and "yeah! This is GOOD!" and then I finished it and I previewed it and I was all, "wow...you are totally the WORST blogger ever. I can't believe that you're trying to pass this crap off to people. You're an embarassment to the bloggy community....you should be ashamed of yourself...go stand in the corner with gum on your nose, missy!"

And I was totally going to listen to myself except when I was yelling at myself, I was doing it kind of like this guy:



...which totally made me laugh and also, my name isn't missy so it turns out I wasn't even yelling at myself, it was some other girl.

So, the other day Insanity Kim pretty much dared me to show the world what I have in my purse and she seemed pretty excited about it...like I'm going to whip out my vagina purse and start pulling out a Ph.D in Immortality (I have one) and a bunch of Imaginary Babies and some swords and throwing stars and a stoned cat and maybe a box of crackers or something. First of all, I don't even have the vagina purse anymore and second of all....yeah, right, like I'm going to show the whole world the contents of my super secret Highlander purse. Insanity Kim is trying to steal my baby AND my immortality...for real.

Anyway, I do have a regular, normal person purse which is full of regular, normal person stuff because when I'm not a Highlander, I live my life like a regular, normal person (I'm totally like Superman or Spiderman or Batman or something except I'm not a man and also, if I had a costume it would be way cuter and also it would have glasses because I can't see anything without them and also, no cape because I'm not really into anything that's exercise-y or that's going to make me tired or sweaty). Ahem :



Also, I would just like to point out that 38 of those gum wrappers are Orbit gum wrappers...the other 3 are Stride wrappers and I only chewed the Stride because I was out of Orbit and I had to borrow some gum from my anonymous friend who hates me which is why she doesn't carry extra Orbit for when I run out...anyway, even though the CEO of Orbit gum has STILL not acknowledged the fact that he's the father of my imaginary baby, here I am...supporting him. He's like a deadbeat dad, squared.

Orbit Gum Company, you are TOTALLY shirking your parental responsibilities. Orbit Gum Company AKA Shirky McShirkerson. Seriously.

P.S. If you're wondering what a Super Secret Highlander purse might look like...it looks nothing like this:



(That's a for real purse. Somebody made that. To use. As a purse. You should really read all about this thing here, at Craftastrophe)

23 comments:

Glasstastic Treasures March 10, 2009 at 5:35 PM  

I was so totally ready to throw that guy in the video out the window myself!

Um, Twisted Sister scares the crap out of me. I don't mind dudes wearing make up, but come one. Don't wear it like a granny. Blend the blush! BLEND!!

I also that that was a man's chastity belt, not a purse. I think it should be a man's chastity belt. With Viking braids!

Insanity Kim March 10, 2009 at 6:13 PM  

I do like to take things from people...

Now I will steal your purse. I need those batteries for my invisible jet. I can see it right now, and that isn't helping me in my fight against evil or PhD programs.

The Orbit CEO is in my dungeon, eating crackers. I am turning him immortal and explaining to him his eternal responsibilities regarding child support...and...

at least one of your babies is hidden inside MY vagina purse, and thank goodness it has a zipper, as I only deliver babies via c-section. Those imaginary babies are huge because of the incredibly long gestation period...from the looks of you I would say you have at least 12 of them popping out in about 4.32 yesrs.

If I look at that arm/squid/opera signer/nipple purse one more time I will need to go to the ER.

Wow.

Tagging has never been so fun.

PS I am too tired to see if there are any spelling errors...do I owe you anything else??

w March 10, 2009 at 7:48 PM  

dude. i can't believe you have a doll of me. because i am secretly mary catherine gallagher. sometimes. when i get really nervous. i stick my fingers under my arms and smell them like this. (insert wildly strong inhalation).

i like what's in your purse. it makes me feel close to you. although the 9 dead batteries scare me. though. it could be worse. your 9 dead batteries could be in your (whispers) vajayjay purse. eeeek!

Laura March 10, 2009 at 8:40 PM  

That codpiece purse has a nipple.
I am going to have to check out Craftastrophe.
And I second the creepy scaryness of Twisted Sister.

carrie March 11, 2009 at 9:20 AM  

you have a PAGER? I remember when those were soooo cool.

elfini March 11, 2009 at 12:13 PM  

I'm going to go make some coffee and pretend I never saw any of that.

jeweledrabbit March 11, 2009 at 5:55 PM  

That, that... thing looks like a mutant squid.

Petra a.k.a The Wise (*Young*) Mommy March 11, 2009 at 5:56 PM  

Yeah right, you are totally not a regular, normal person who does regular stuff, who do you think you are kidding lady?

Can I borrow $19.27? I need it in all change though...

Jay Ballz March 12, 2009 at 8:36 AM  

Ha- the Orbit gum stuff is great!

Christina and Joe Waarvik March 12, 2009 at 3:37 PM  

I don't remember how I found your blog but this is funny shit.

I was going to have an imaginary baby too because there are no infants in my village at all right now! Seems I won't have to... oops. ;)

lu (duh it's laura),  March 14, 2009 at 6:46 AM  

i'm thinking i'm going to have EIGHT imaginary babies, thus ensuring my place in the national news for ALL TIME.

Funny, there are no PICTURES in your purse, of that drunken trip tp New Orleans you took, whilst preggers.

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Everything in this blog is copyright Jessica Benassi AKA Hey Lola except where I give credit to other people because obviously, that's their stuff. Don't steal my stuff. I mean, I'm not sure why you would want to, anyway, but if you're thinking about it...don't. Also, all of this nonsense is my opininion and is not supported or endorsed by Blogger or anyone ese. I mean, maybe it is, but if something I say just infuriates you, I take sole responsibility.

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