New Year's Resolutions

HA! That title is kinda sorta a joke...actually, no...it really is a joke. I'd mess up a resolution probably about 2 minutes after I made it. My only real goal this year anyway is to get on the Oprah Winfrey show and cry on her couch. I'd make that a resolution but ultimately, it's not my decision...it's pretty much out of my hands. YOU HEAR THAT, OPRAH??? Only YOU can help me achieve my greatest dream.

And no Oprah, I can't actually think of a good reason for you to have me on the show...I just really feel the need to be there. Real bad.

Actually...what would be super great...If Oprah had Britney Spears AND me on her show at the same time. Like, maybe we'd both end up crying and we'd hug each other for comfort and Oprah would turn to the camera with a little tear in her eye and do that "we'll be right back" thing and then the cameras would pan out just as Oprah Winfrey and Britney Spears and I all had a group hug 'cause we were all sad and stuff and comforting each other.

Man, I got so happy I almost peed my pants thinking about that one...

Also, I'm aware that so far this is a really random and scattered and pretty much pointless blog post but it was either going to be my Oprah and Britney dream or an open letter to David Caruso and I'm so pissed at David Caruso right now that I can barely see straight, much less write a blog post that even resembled something decent. (Don't play dumb, David Caruso...you know what you did...CSI: Miami? The episode where you drive the car with the bomb in it to the beach? Come ON! I expect so much better from you...for real. I have to continue with the rest of this blog post but don't think this is over...not for one minute, buddy.)

Oh yeah! I had an art show and I took some really bad pictures...fortunately, other people also took pictures and they turned out ok:












I used to paint really linear, serious guys...now I paint little grey lumpy guys with names like Linus and Augustus and Stan. They have a story but I can't tell you what it is because it's going in a book that's probably going to make me something like a gazillion dollars. I can't really take the risk of anybody snagging my gazillion dollar book idea because I've already spent about half that money already...so, you know...you're going to have to wait to hear the story.

Also, meet James:



I know, right? It's like the greatest love story ever photographed...

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Art and wine and rock stars and Oprah Winfrey and tears...it's like a weird cultural soup or something.

Ok, I know...I'm seriously neglectful of this blog lately. I have really, really good excuses, though. Seriously. One of them is this art opening/reception tonight. It's mine, actually. It's tonight, it's at One World (Peoria, Illinois), it's at 7:00...and there's wine. Probably people you know will be there so you won't have to spend the whole evening listening to me talking about the new season of Rock of Love...although you should, because it's AWESOME.

As expected, every member of the new cast is a complete trainwreck. There are far more cartoonishly large breasts than I would have hoped for but the ridiculousness that accompanies them more than makes up for the distraction. Brett Michaels has new hair extensions and there's something really weird going on with his make-up, but other than that, he's still the same guy we all know and love from the first 2 seasons.

My hope is that he finds his Rock of Love and then they break up real fast...I mean, I want him to be happy and love is great and all of that but for real...if there's another season I'm so there. James has given me permission, I have a push-up bra and I know how to wear fake eyelashes. Rock of Love could be even better than Oprah...

Also, the Oprah Winfrey site has a page where you can apply to be on her show for any number of things...most of them are heartwarming and sweet and touching...the only one that applies to me is something about "Is your car a cluttered, disgusting nightmare?" or something like that...my car actually is, so I might get on Oprah yet. I just have to figure out if I can somehow find a moment in getting my car cleaned out that will make me cry...I mean, obviously it's no good going on Oprah Winfrey if you're not going to cry.

P.S. I was going to post a picture of some celebrity crying on Oprah's couch but oddly enough...I couldn't find one. Don't all celebrities cry on Oprah's couch? WHERE ARE THE PICTURES????? Anyway, I got you this instead:




nataliedee.com
(Natalie Dee might be my favorite person that I've never met...actually, if she had a show, she'd probably rank higher than Oprah.)

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